Growing Up Requires Some Thinking
by Tama Anpan
Summary: Set in the future. The Bakufu has collapsed, roles are reversed, people are missing...
1. Prologue

_**Gintama=Sorachi sensei**_

_**The story: Set in the future, the Bakufu is no more. **_

_**The narration: Flashbacks are in italic. **_**_This fiction is to be read like a _****screenplay, well sort of. No details, no descriptions... laconic or lazy, pick your choice...**

* * *

**Prologue**

* * *

The familiar picture of the Yorozuya flat. The familiar music associated with that picture… and the familiar voice-overs, only two of them actually… strange, is something missing? Or someone? Is Gintama still Gintama?

Voice-over 1: "Oi, you, the fanfic-Sorachi-wannabe… you're spoiling my precious manga-show… get the job done already!"

Voice-over 2: "Gin-san, try to be nice, she's new to that… like green-green, a virgin of sort…"

Fanfic-Sorachi-wannabe:: "Oi, Megane…who's the virgin here?

Shin-chan: "WHAT! WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

Gin-san: "Patsuan, you're too transparent…"

"OI… I HEARD THAT YOU USELESS 'I-PICK-MY-NOSE' RONIN!"

"RONIN?! RONIN?! Megane, who do think you're talking to?"

Fanfic-Sorachi-wannabe: "Oi, who's spoiling your precious manga-show now?"

"What kind of junior are you? I am the Hero here… "Gin" for Sakata Gintoki, the soul, beautiful silver soul... GIN… GINtama!"

"Wasn't your manga-show renamed KINtama for a while? for…"

Shin-chan: "Golden eggs"

"Golden nuts"

"Balls"

"Testicles"

Gin-san: "…"

Fade to black_. Three minutes later._

Gin-san: "…"

Shin-chan: "I think he snapped"

Fanfic-Sorachi-wannabe: "Now he really is wasting precious time"

"You're right, let's move on with the story… but… I still don't like you!"

"Sorry Patsuan, It's nothing personal… but… but… _(Dramatic music begins) _I'm so insecure that_… _I used the cheapest way of having a laugh so people would read this fanfic… I'm, I'm… scum…"

"Oh! No, no… don't be so hard on yourself… I know what it feels like to be insecure… you… you can mock me… I don't m…

**BAM!**

A bokuto smashed into the familiar picture of the Yorozuya flat!

Gin-san: "WHO'S WASTING TIME NOWWWWWWWWW!"

**GINTAMA OPENING**

- A crowded Yoshiwara street, Gintoki watches the moon with a melancholic air

- Kagura, dressed in Umibouzu's protection uniform observes the Harusame ship through spyglasses

-Shinpachi is training at the dojo wearing a black hakama and keikogi

-On a deserted land snow is falling around Hijikata, he lights a smoke, wearing the Shinsengumi uniform with a black scarf. Kondo is behind him, looking at the night sky, in a western outfit and a Siberian coat

-Okita sits on a space ship, wearing a traditional samurai outfit with a worn out brown cape and is sharping is katana. Behind him there are Hasegawa and Mutsu

-Katsura, Elisabeth and Saigou stands on the top of the tallest building, watching over Edo. Katsura has short hair, they're wearing fine western outfits (like Kondo, without the coat)

Successive shots of all the other characters: Otae and Kyuubei, Otose and Catherine, Tama and Yamazaki, Sarutobi and Zenzo. The Mimawarigumi. The Kiheitai.

Flashback of the New Joui war, a bloody battle that changed the face of Japan and our heroes' fates, a war that started after…"**Oi**…"

Annoying voice-over 1: "… _New Joui war_, what's that?"

Fanfic-Sorachi-wannabe: "Arrrgh! Stop messing my beautiful opening!"

_**-o-o-o-**_

It was a special day in Gintoki Sakata's life. A day he had been looking for more than year. The beautiful Ketsuno Ana had predicted a nice weather this morning, Otose would offer good sake, Tama would cook good food, Megane would happily walk Sadaharu outside and he would just ignore Catherine.

Because today, Kagura was coming back.

That little Yato freak, how ungrateful of her letting her surrogate father alone with the old hag and the otaku freak, what was she thinking again! Ah, baka youngster. But she must have realized there was no better place than here and no better company than his.

Without paying attention, Gintoki's feet brought him to Yoshiwara, again.

"Ah! I must be sick, too much sugar. Yes, that's it…" Then he carelessly picked his nose, still walking in direction of the well-known place. Suddenly a pair of eyes glared at him. _Tsh, the little brat is growing fast._

"You're here… AGAIN! How many times do we have to tell you: tayus are out of your range! "

"Now, now Seita be nice. Good morn... err... afternoon Gin-san"

"Oi... how you're raising your kid Sun-san? What kind of mother are you, MY Kagura, the true and only Yorozuya heir, would never ever do that"

"Really?…well, if you say so… but… oh! Today is the day" Gintoki flashed a proud smile.

"Kagura-chan is as awful as you Gin-san!" Seita received a smack behind the head and started screaming, Hinowa started sighing and people started looking at them. Business as usual.

Gin-san: "Anyway! Where's the kunai freak?"

_**-o-o-o-**_

Meanwhile, not so far from Yoshiwara, in a certain familial dojo, a renowned kenjutsu master of the new era was teaching the way of the samurai to hungry students, following the path the universe master Obi Hajime.

"Shimura sensei, Shimura sensei!"

Shinpachi sighed lightly and then smiled. _Ah they're at it again, youngsters… but I'm their sensei, their mentor, their role model. Be firm Shinpachi, they respect you no matter how strict you ar…_

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!…THIS IS PRIVATE!... GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY COLLECTION!… NOOOOOOOOOOO, DROP THAT YOU BRAT!…"

"Sensei who's that Otsu?"

"She looks old and has been…"

"Man, her music sucks!"

"STOP IT!"

**Bam!**

"…"

"You said to drop it."

Shinpachi was still red in the face when he walked down the main street of the kabuki district, Sadaharu besides him seemed to have notice the murderous vibe from it's caretaker. Even Gin-san was speechless when the dojo master entered the flat slamming the door.

Passing nearby a certain shop with recognizable kelp boxes, he froze. How could he forget! Then he smiled again and resumed is now happy walk with the giant dog.

_**-o-o-o-**_

"Gintoki, you realize you're not living here anymore?"

"What are you babbling about? Old age is scary… _slurp_… mmhm… delicious"

"Danna it's true, Shinpachi-san walks Sadaharu and Otose-san feeds it and you are nowhere to be seen… especially at the beginning of each month."

"That disgusting BEAST!"

"Another portion Gintoki-sama?"

"I want someone who pays the rent. Tama and Yamazaki need a real home, it's too crowded here."

Gintoki looked up with his fish eyes at the former Shinsengumi spy, turned anpan baker… "Yes Tama, please"… and resumed his meal.

"OH! YOU USELESS BASTARD! Otose-san just talked to you!"

"I'm having a headache already… _slurp_"

The door of the bar opened and Shinpachi and the beast walked in, a huge smile on their faces.

"Ah, Shinpachi! Help me please I'm being harassed… _slurp_"

"Move out already Gin-san, you'll save money."

"Oh, Mah… and where am I going to live, Megane? With you? Haha!"

All: "…"

Shinpachi: "Gin-san, you're still in denial."

Gin-san: "…"

Otose: "Your secret life is not so secret you know."

Gin-san: "… _slurp_… you sent your spy on me… _slurp_… tshh tshh … a bakufu turncloak… of all people."

Silence.

Gin-san: "…_slurp… slurp_…"

All: "EVERYBODY KNOWS!"

_**-o-o-o-**_

"Captain, we should land already"

A small breeze was brushing her hair as she had still her eyes locked on the familiar islands. Samurai country. A beautiful day it was, she missed that blue planet full of good and bad memories.

"Yes, yes…"

The second in command sighed with relief and headed back to give orders. How did she ended up with a Captain worse than the previous one, she would never know.

A few minutes later, the ship was moving slowly, engaging in the complicated maneuver that would bring her close to her dear friends.

"Gin-chan, Shinpachi, Sadaharu… I'm home!"


	2. New pets old pets

**Chapter 1: New pets, old pets**

* * *

"Oi, Madao! Aren't you excited?"

The sunglasses man was lying lazily on the deck, enjoying the unusual sensation of the natural light, he definitively missed the burning sun and not only because in his new and unexpected life sunglasses were completely useless. _As if I would give them up now,_ "Not really… I'm fine on the ship, boss"

"I can get you excited if you want" A gun was dangerously approaching his head. Sweat appeared on the man who got up slowly. His struggling voice managed a weak laugh, "Haha! Vice Captain… still can't take a joke?" The gun didn't move. "A great lady like you… should… relax… sometimes…?" The gun touched his forehead.

"Up"

"All right, all right… I'm… already there…" Hasegawa disappeared with a hollow grin. The elegant and composed woman approached slowly the board, pondering internally if using violence would be effective to introduce the next topic.

"Mutsu-Chan! Look at the jumping fishes, I want some, yes"

"You already have a pet, Captain"

"But it's boring, those are wild like Sadaharu"

Mutsu wasn't moved, not one bit, "Aren't you concerned about what's happening in the hold?"

"…?"

"The Vice Captain… is at it... again!"

Kagura covered her ears, closed her eyes and shook her head, "Ne… you won't spoil my beautiful day… I can't hear you… no, no, no… it's holiday-aru"

Mutsu stared at the orange haired alien hunter, then turned back and walked away. She wondered again what the hell did she do to deserve such a fate. Note to self: kill the perm head.

An hour later a strange-looking Amanto with a red umbrella was walking down Kabukicho. Her ocean blue eyes shining.

_**-o-o-o-**_

_"Okita?... room 1503"_

_When the imperial police smashed the door of room 1503 all they found was a giant hole instead of a window._

_"Hijikata-san... We're going to freeze our asses and balls for the rest of our lives. Do they even have mayonnaise there?"_

_"Baka! Half dead but still full-mouthed!"_

_"You know me... Where's Kondo-san, I'm following him, not you"_

_"You're not going"_

_"…That's… low… even for you… denying a dying wish"_

_"Kondo-san doesn't want you there either"_

_**-o-o-o-**_

"Well... if it isn't Fukuchou!"

The chain-smoking Vice Commander looked sharply at the man sitting in front of the grey stone. The first time someone found him here... it was fitting that it would be that very person. An awkward silence fell upon them.

"I'm going"

"No need" The young man stood up. "It looks more clean than I thought it would"

"... Zaki comes often"

"...sure he does..."

The two men crossed each other without glancing or battling an eyelash.

_"Kondo-san doesn't want you there either"_

"Oi… Hijikata-san… she preferred the red ones… you should know that by now"

Okita walked away before the other man embarrassment could make him uneasy.

"Baka…" Was the only word Hijikata could pronounce.

_**-o-o-o-**_

_She heard the footstep approaching but before she could do anything he was already sitting next to her._

_"Get lost"_

_"Shut up, I'm not in the mood" He laid down, hands behind his neck, and they fell into silence. She struggled a while about what to say, how to say it and the urge to run away quickly so she could cry peacefully again._

_"Don't say it, it's useless"_

_"Wh…"_

_"I don't want to hear it… it doesn't suit you"_

_"What's that supposed to mean, loser?" _

_He sighed and looked at her puffy eyes, puffy cheeks and messy hair, __"When did you ever thank me? Don't start now"_

_"Like hell, as if I had reasons before" She turned her head and stared at her feet. _

_"Really?… wasting your time like that… you should look over here, you won't see it for a long time" _

_She raised her head and watched the full moon, __"You miss that much Gorilla and Mayora?"_

_"You miss that much that closet?" _

_She wiped a remaining tear and, after a while, also laid down taking in the immensity of the sky. She didn't feel the urge to punch or hit, which was weird, in fact she didn't feel anything._

_"Oi, stop ruining the ambiance" Perhaps she did feel like punching after all._

_"Shut up"_

_"Think of the bright side… Madao is here for us to torment him" _

_"And all the thugs here…"_

_"And the lady in command…"_

_"Ne… Mutsu-chan is ok… and the aliens I'm going to hunt"_

_"Careful with that, you might get bald" Kagura moved really fast and something broke into his rib, but for some reasons Sougo didn't care and didn't move. The night looked less gloomy._

_**-o-o-o-**_

"SADAHARU! I MISSED YOU, SADAHARU!" The beast was licking Kagura's face while the young woman was hugging and crying against the giant dog. Gintoki and Shinpachi were standing next to the aliens wondering again what was this important, joyful event supposed to take place today.

"So... I guess she did miss Sadaharu… "

" Shinpachi… Shinpachi… women are fickle and superficial… that is an important lesson to kno…" **BANG! **A sharp, unidentified object landed on Gintoki's head.

Otose: "We heard that you lazy bum!"

Reunions are always sweet.


	3. Perverts and wakashu

**Chapter 2: Perverts and Wakashu**

* * *

_"A tranny, a penguin and a Zura to rule the country… and you want to leave?"_

_"There's a bounty"_

_"How much?"_

_"You bastard!… I knew it"_

_**-o-o-o-**_

A vein threatened to burst on the demonic Fukuchou already red temple. Both he and Kondo were sitting in perfect samurai composure, arms crossed on their chests, black haoris and katanas lying perfectly next to them.

"Come, come Toshi… let's not make it a big deal" said a worried voice trying hard not to be.

"I'm sor… sorry Vice Commander… th… there was no other place"

"Haha! Zaki… that will do, that will do…"

Hijikata lighted a cigarette and glared menacingly in the direction of the anpan baker "Are you certain… there was no OTHER place?"

"Po… positive… Vice Commander" Yamazaki was starting to sweat heavily while multiple painful memories of demonic wrath invaded his thoughts.

"Positive?"

"Y… yes Vice Comm…"

"Toshi!"

Outside the IKEDAYA inn, passerby jumped in horror when a pale badminton racquet holder landed in the middle of the street while a demonic voice resonated, "I'M NOT STAYING HERE!"

_**-o-o-o-**_

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I've told you!"

"But… _(mind processing)_ that makes you a lollicon-pervert"

"No, that makes me a concerned father"

"She's not your real daughter"

Otae: "What are you two talking about?"

Both: "Nothing!"

Shin-san: "She had breast before… I mean before leaving…"

Gin-san: "WHAT! YOU WERE CHECKING HER UP?"

"NO! I DIDN'T NEED TO, IT WAS OBVIOUS!"

"NOT TO ME!"

"I confirm Danna, and they did grow too" Okita showed his hands "... straight-in approach"

Then, the former Shinsengumi First Division Captain went back in the living-room, sat at the table and stared blankly at the black eggs, black rice and black tea.

Otae was staring at Gintoki and Shinpachi who were standing like marble statues in her garden. She tried waving a hand before their eyes, pinching their cheeks, kicking their legs and finally thought of using her hammer. But, eventually, pity and curiosity took over and she rejoined her guests.

"Ne, what was he thinking! That I would stay maiden all my life?" Kagura didn't feel like eating, but she WAS hungry.

"Now, now Kagura-chan, I don't think that's the issue here... Don't you agree Okita-kun?"

"Who knows!"

A vein formed on Otae's temple, "The most important thing is love, RIGHT? So… are you two going to marry soon?" She stared at the young blank faces.

"Not really"

"Aaah… aah!"

Kyubei looked around the table waiting for the unavoidable. "Tae-chan, do you want to take a walk? That might help"

"Now, now kyubei-chan how rude that would be… And WHY is that Okita-kun?"

"Uh, Anego it's me that don't want to. I want to be an independent woman"_ Kagura isn't kicking, punching, biting him... argh!_

"Aaah… hahah! And where does that idea come from?"

"Me. Brilliant isn't it?" Okita's head was suddenly smashed with the hammer Otae was hiding for some time.

"HOW'S THAT YOU SADISTIC PERVERT!"

An unconcerned Kagura looked over her Vice-Captain. "Anego, I got my own ideas! It's not what you think, I actually want to be like you, you know"

"Oh!…oh…" Otae stared again at the bishounen, enjoying the sight of his bloodied face, "That's touching Kagura-chan!"

Okita stood up massaging his forehead while the nauseating sisterly bound took place. "I'm going now. See you tomorrow" He left while Kagura vaguely waved a hand without looking at him, engrossed in her girly talk. Walking along the dojo he suddenly couldn't repress an evil grin and a glance towards the garden's new-found furniture.

"OI CHINA, DON'T FORGET YOUR YUKATA… YOU'RE ALONE TONIGHT"

_**-o-o-o-**_

Later that fateful spring night, in the quiet garden of the Shimura dojo.

"I'm going to throw up!"

Silence.

"That's my line Shinpachi"

Hours later.

"We should stand up"

Silence.

"I can't move"

An hour later…

"GET UP ALREADY!"

…the Shimura hammer was used again.

_**-o-o-o-**_

_"What a surprise… and why, pray tell, did you come here, Oni no Fukuchou?"_

_"Because they won't catch me here"_

_"Where's the gorilla?"_

_"Trying to grab the ashes" He laid down, finally allowing his sore muscles and his mind to rest. He felt his eyes closing slowly but wanted nonetheless to stay awake…_

_"Cemeteries are good for revivals…" __The usually nonchalant silver head was staring at him intensely._

_"What?"_

_"You should try….maybe you'll found someone there…"_

_**-o-o-o-**_

"Well… if it isn't Mayora?..."

Hijikata turned his head and locked is eyes into the dead-fish ones, the Yorozuya was already drunk, sporting a grin even more idiotic than usual.

_"...maybe you'll found someone there... who'll give a hand to reach"_

"Long time no see…" Gintoki sat at the bar, while a devilish smile appeared on his face.

An hour later.

"… Mah… come again… what's the name… I didn't catch… repeat..." to emphasis his already unsubtle torture, the perm head cupped his ear and leaned slightly toward the also drunk Vice Commander.

Hijikata was fuming, although he managed to maintain an incredible control on the violent thoughts invading his mind. He took a deep breath and gritted his teeth, deciding not to let the village's idiot satisfaction get his due and remembering painfully he didn't have his katana or the authority to jail the nuisance sitting next to him.

"Ezo. Republic. North"

"… Ahhh! So that's what you guys have been doing… bear hunting?" Hijikata's punch crashed into the perm-haired nose. Blood spilled and a grin formed on the dark-haired man's face.

"Oi... that's not police brutality… it's brutality period… and you ruined Gin-san Oh so handsome face, you outlaw tax robber!" Gintoki wiped the blood away while the other finished the sake bottle.

"Handsome my ass"

Gintoki stopped the cleaning process and smiled, "My, my… didn't you just give me ammunitions?" He heard the other man curse but before the hundred and thousand dirty jokes could reach his bloodied mouth…

"I didn't know you two were into shudō. Aren't you too old to be wakashū… Hijikata-san?"

**Bam**.

Before the sake bottles could even reach Okita's head the young man was already lying on the floor, dead drunk. Gintoki looked upon him with puzzled eyes.

"What's up with him?"

"Kondo-san made a point of celebrating" Gintoki saw the gorilla, turned president of the deserted-land-where-you-freeze-your-balls-off, naked with multiple contusions and wounds. The Shimura hammer, in its entire splendor, lying on top of his *****.

"Speaking of sick perverted… why don't you bring back that thing over here…" with his foot he poked purposely Okita's head while looking at the sulking Vice Commander "… and get him lost in the snow… with a bear… far, far away"

"Tch… family problems?"

"Oi! Your brat, your charge!" Hijikata glared at the perm-haired who was still poking relentlessly at his former subordinate. He then stood up and almost stumbled upon his own feet before regaining an uncertain composure.

"Not anymore" And he walked away.

_**-o-o-o-**_

_"When the likes of you and me will rote underground, there won't be samurais anymore..."_

_"..." _

_"...We're killers... that's why you never taught your skills to your apprentice. __His dojo... Kondo-san says it's the future"_

_"Gorilla the softy... samurais are overrated anyway"_

_"Most of them"_

_"Aww... is that a compliment?"_

_"Shut up!... see you around"_

_"...Hey Oni... don't freeze your balls off, even if you don't use them"_

_"Tch... baka"_

* * *

_**Wakashu: pre-adult boy**_

_**Shudo: same-sex love**_


	4. Love

**A mini update at last...just to say that this story is not forgotten...**

**Chapter 3: Love**

* * *

_"I saw your boyfriend on T.V."_

_She turned away from the shop window and when she laid her eyes on him he saw a disgusted grimace form on her face, fitting to the ugly giant face from planet of ugly giants that spread on the news few days ago._

_"He's not anymore, we're in a long distance friendship now."_

_"You mean he got sick of you throwing up everywhere and picking up your nose?"_

_Sougo saw her hand tighten around the umbrella and an ominous shadow darkening her eyes, but strangely she only threw a haughty look and looked back at the contents of the window again, shrugging dismissively, "Vomit's my weapon and nose-picking is Yorozuya's trademark!"_

_"You mean the dumping ground trademark?"_

_"What d'you want baka-stalker?"_

_"It's not you I'm stalking."_

_Something crossed his mind and he frowned slightly, "Oi, ain't that illegal to sell under-aged girl anyway?" he smiled smugly," Now's the opportunity to jail Danna and ban your Daddy from Earth."_

_Game on. Veins were popping everywhere on her forehead and she emitted a low grunt. But suddenly she wised up, "You don't have your slutty girlfriend anymore?»_

_"I'm a player, I don't need one girl"_

_"Mwahaha! You got dumped by a scabbard… what's more pathetic than that."_

_"You?"_

_But his attention was elsewhere, the she-Gorilla just came out of the shop and she stared at him with her perfect fake smile, "Okita-san ... what a wonderful surprise!" Then the smile turned evil "You can find him in the changing room...come now Kagura-chan."_

_China stuck out her tongue and soon he was watching their backs. And somehow he wondered why he didn't notice until now how pretty she was._

_**-o-o-o-**_

"Oi...stop dreaming!" she was scrutinizing him strangely, "What's up?"

"Your lolicon daddy and your Anego get on my nerve"

But she obviously wasn't moved by his whining, "It's been only three days"

"Three nights"

"Aren't you happy to see Gorilla?"

"He snores"

"Me too"

"True...but you smell nice"

"Aren't you happy to torture Mayora?"

"..."

"You're being immature with that"

"I'm not"

"You look pissed since we landed"

"I'm sex deprived"

She punched him in the guts, "I'm not a sex toy, aru!"

"Freak!" But she didn't hit very hard and he was serious now, "What if...we stay here a little longer?"

"You're a wanted man"

"So?" She blinked and stayed silent. "That's what I thought"

"But..."

"Aliens can wait few months, right?"

She shrugged, "S'pose"

"Ok! Let's go hunting bears"

He wasn't sure it was the right thing to say as she turned on her heels in direction of the Yorozuya flat without glancing or waving and certainly not kissing, "No way I'm gonna freeze my ass over there!"

And he still wouldn't have BEEP and BEEP tonight!


	5. Rulers are meant to be Baka

**Chapter 4: Rulers are meant to be Baka**

* * *

"Mama...Mama...Kido-sama is gone!"

"Again? Argh...that damn stupid, useless...argh...go find Elisabeth-sama"

_**o-o-o**_

"Look...it's Kido-sama!"

"What's he doin' here...he ain't serious!"

"Yeah we don't need 'hem...filthy government trash!"

The man spat purposely when Kido-sama crossed their path, but he didn't say or do anything, he was used to the hostility of the Kabukicho population and he wasn't one to be put down by the insult. It bothered him though that people would recognize him more, he didn't like it. Passing next to a wall he didn't look up, to preoccupied with his own inner conflict: should he go, should he not go?

The filthy wall was covered with tones of faded advertising, missing dogs notes, propaganda posters (that was Saigo's idea!) and...

WANTED - DEAD OR ALIVE

For High Treason

**_Kondo Isao_**

Creator and former Commander of the dismantled and banned organisation '_Shinsengumi_'

aka 'The Gorilla from the north-where-you-freeze-your-balls-off'

Currently fancying himself president of the ILLEGAL Republic of Ezo

Last seen: In the snow, hunting bears

Reward: Not much (budget restriction) but please contact Triumvirate Joi, government. com

He knew he shouldn't go, but still his advises were useful...

WANTED - DEAD OR ALIVE

For High Treason and Assassination

**_Okita Sougo_**

Former First Captain of the dismantled Bakufu organisation '_Shinsengumi_'

aka 'The Sadist'

Notable murder: Sakamoto Tatsuma, Joi hero

Last seen: Believed to be dead, but we know he is NOT!

Reward: VERY VERY HIGH, please contact Triumvirate Joi, government. com

Kido was near the shop, he stopped one last time weighting his options...and he really needed a hair cut anyway...

WANTED - DEAD OR ALIVE

For High Treason, Assassination and insufferable Smugness

**_Hijikata Toshiro_**

Former Vice-Commander of the dismantled Bakufu organisation '_Shinsengumi_'

aka 'Oni no Fukuchou'

Notable murder: Sasaki Isaburo, Police Superintendent and assassination of refined cuisine

Last seen: Somewhere between the Land-where-you-freeze-your-balls-off and Mayo Land

Reward: VERY HIGH, please contact Triumvirate Joi, government. com

At last he made up his mind and entered the barber shop.

"Kido-sama, long time no see! Welcome back...please have a seat"

"Thank you Shige-san, it is always a pleasure to come here"

"Call me Sho-chan"

Unfortunately that morning, Kido-sama wasn't the only customer and even worse, that customer was a very not welcome one, reading a jump, picking his nose and with natural perm hair...sil...silver hair...

"Oi Zura, what's up?"

"Zura ja nai, Katsura da!"

_**o-o-o**_

"Elisabeth-san...this is embarrassing!"

_'I know...believe me I know'_

"At least he could disguise himself"

_'I tried to tell him...but you know him'_

"Yes...but this is VERY embarrassing!"

_'...'_

"SERIOUSLY...ASKING THE FORMER SHOGUN HOW TO RULE THE COUNTRY...HOW MUCH DUMBER CAN YOU BE ?!"

_'Very dumb, indeed'_

**o-o-o**

"Kondo-san...your reward is not very impressive"

"That's because they can't look like barbarians with no heart...I'm more useful as a high-class prisoner"

"But it says 'budget restriction' "

"..."

"Sougo, shut up...he's going to cry"

"Oh, Hijikata-san...see even Katsura thinks your mayonnaise is shit"

"SHUT UP!"

"Well, I'm kind of pumped that my reward is higher than yours"

"Why should you...you didn't even the kill the guy!"

"Yeah but it says 'VERY VERY HIGH'...I'm public enemy number one"

"Tch! Travesty... I killed the elite bastard and you didn't even know who Sakamoto was"

"But Hijikata-san...who cares, it's all about posterity. When all's said and done...I'm still more badass than you"

"Stupid brat"

"Jealousy is ugly"

"Toshi, it's true you're been ugly"

"Baka...I'm going now...I need a hair cut"

* * *

**_Kido: Kido Takayoshi, Katsura's name after the Meiji Restoration_**

**_Triumvirate Joi: _****Ishin no Sanketsu, the three heroes of the Restoration**


	6. Crew and Team and Shipwreck

**Chapter 5: Crew and Team and Shipwreck**

* * *

"Why two Vice-Captains?"

"Mu-chan for the trade, Sadist for the aliens"

"Is it really working?"

"Hmm..." She was eating her fourth meal, Anego was nice and all but Kagura seriously lacked protein in her body...and she missed that closet anyway, "Yep"

Shinpachi was looking at the ceiling, awestruck, "Mutsu-san has the strength of Buddha"

"And Kami-sama", Gin-chan did the same and Kagura was suspicious about what was the meaning of their airily look, but didn't bother now...food...eat...rest.

"Which one?", asked Megane.

"The toilet paper one"

_**-o-o-o-**_

_"Gin-chan...Gin-chan...it hurts...make it go away, please"_

_Blood all over her face and clothes, she stared at him, waiting for some guidance and that stare told multiple others __unspoken __things. Those hollow blue, wet blue eyes...he wanted to tell her he couldn't, that she had to bear the pain...or die. That's how it worked in this fucked up life. He should tell her that he had seen the head of his sensei on the ground, a gift from the Bakufu...and that he had survived this pain. He should tell her that it will haunt her for the rest of life and nothing will change that, not even love._

_But he didn't._

_"Grab your umbrella..You're going to hunt aliens"_

_And he turned around, she followed...like the __ship__wreck she was, numbed. He brought her to Mutsu, who had also a hollow stare and, surprisingly, Hasegawa who had said yes. Yes, he would check on her for a year, yes he would be a presence from her life on earth to ease the shock, yes he would...because "Gin-san, my life here his ruined I can't go any deeper in the dump...a year in space looks like a one time in a life chance, I'll go"._

_He waited. They waited. Mustu was eager to leave, Kagura was asleep on the deck. They waited._

_"Oi Danna...you're coming with us?"_

_A wreck too. Okita stared at him expectantly, he had just arrived...alone. Fucking Mayora really did it._

_"Souichiro-kun...you know I get seasickness easily"_

_"It's space"_

_He shrugged, "Same"_

_"So you're not coming?" He still managed to look bored and uninterested, but his red eyes said otherwise. "I wanted to ask...that Sakamoto guy, a friend of yours right?"_

_He didn't answer._

_"Mah...that bitch cut him clean at least"_

_He didn't comment, Nobume wasn't someone he wanted to think or talk about. He started walking away._

_"Oi, Okita-kun...if you let her hit you when she's crying I promise I'll go drink Sake with the Gorilla when he is too"_

_When they left he didn't have the courage to look back, although she had woken up and was yelling, again and again. "GIN-CHAN"..."GIN-CHAN". And Megane was running in his direction, finally here but too late. Otae must've rat him out. Next thing his aniki-employee punched him, hard. And then darkness._

_When he woke up, Shinpachi was sitting on the ground, __glaring at him, __and Gintoki had enough watching wreck all around him._

_"Let's go Patsuan...I need sugar"_

_**-o-o-o-**_

"Hasegawa, why are you still here?"

He froze and turned around, the petite strong lady was always unexpected in her sudden appearances, "I'm fine Vice-Captain"

She approaches the railing and stood next to him, "It's a nice view"

"It is"

"And what about your wife?"

"Err...no wife anymore...I like that ship...that's enough for me"

"I won't insist then"

"What about you?"

"I'm going to clean the mess of the other Vice-Captain"

"Haha! this crew is insane!"

"Indeed"

_**-o-o-o-**_

_"Gin-san what're you going to do?"_

_"Why...kill her baka niichan of course"_

_"Are you serious?"_

_"Of course not...I'll make him kneel and ask forgiveness"_

_They were walking slowly in the only direction they knew: Otose's bar, ready to drink themselves into a stupor._

_"Gin-san...will Kagura ever forgive?"_

_He sighed, "I don't know Shinpachi...we can only hope"_

_**-o-o-o-**_

"I'm his Kaishaku...a vow I took when I was nine"

He should've known that when Okita had ask to talk to him in private it would end with a fight or worse. This was worse. Hijikata lighted a smoke, "Why are you telling me this?"

"I won't let you stop me this time"

"What about your girl?"

"Hijikata...you of all people should know what's like to choose duty over...other things"

"Things?...you're so stupid...Anyway I won't stop you if it's your choice, you had a year to think this through...but don't expect Kondo-san to do the same"

"He needs me"

He stared at the young man for a long time, knowing he was the last person in the universe the other would listen to, but Hijikata still tried, "You're wrong, Kondo-san needs people he loves to be happy...now tell me...can you swear on your sister's grave that leaving your new life will make you happy?"

As a matter of fact, Hijikata was wrong. It ended up with a fight and worse.

"I won't let you stop me this time"

* * *

_**Kaishaku: appointed second who is to behead someone who has committed seppuku**_


	7. Shining Moon and Falling Stars

**Chapter 5: Shining Moon and Falling Stars**

* * *

_Dear Papi,_

_I sent in the dust my first monster alien and we got paid big time by the rich people of planet rich people._

_I'm so thrilled-aru!_

_PS: They elected me Captain…pff…what a bother!_

**_-o-o-o-_**

_Bakufu has collapsed._

_Seita ain't gonna leave Yoshiwara. His training's fine…I'm proud._

_Imperial officials are just as perverted as the old ones._

_Sarutobi lost her job…she's hidin' here._

_Gintoki came last night…Kagura's left. I don't know how exactly… tha' fool was completely drunk. Maybe he thought we'd indulge him a free favor, some girl willin' to…neva mind!_

_I watched him sleep, ridiculous…_

**_-o-o-o-_**

_June the 14th,_

_The domain is a ruin…and only grandfather doesn't seem to be upset. He looks surprisingly relieved. Father says our family should rise again but what for and how? Toujou has sold all his belongings except his sword. He wants to stay with us and bear our shame, or commit seppuku. He is a crazy pervert but his loyalty makes me feel guilty._

_Because I think I am relieved too._

**_-o-o-o-_**

_Dear Papi,_

_I saw Baka-Nii…_

_No…I just saw his ship…_

_PS: I'm sorry the letter is all wet, I promise…next time it won't be._

**_-o-o-o-_**

_Sarutobi's angry and left._

_I shoulda known it would go bad, but maybe she'll forgive. I've gotta watch my back on nights…she ain't gonna cool down for some times._

_Kinda miss her already…even if she's a freakin' nutcase._

**_-o-o-o-_**

_October the 9th,_

_Something possessed me last week and I send macadamia nuts to Kondo, it's not a bright idea because I don't even know if he will ever get them and we shouldn't contact each other. This is the strangest feeling, to miss one's rival, but as a fact his cheerfulness was contagious._

_Otae won't tell it but I know she miss him too. And the winter is harsh over there, maybe his manhood has already been affected and he would give up his relentless pursue if his**** aren't functioning anymore. Maybe we can be friend, finally? _

_Winter must really be ice-cold in that lonely place._

_Grandfather died._

**_-o-o-o-_**

_Dear Papi,_

_I GOT MOLESTED!_

_But I hit him…right in the ****_

_It's disgusting and wet and disgusting. Beuuurk! Evilsadisticpoopheadoutlawbrat…and he just smirked like nothing happened, even with the broken jaw and the nice shiner I gave him…I swear, the nerve…"bored" my ***-aru!_

_I HATE HIM._

_PS: Papi…a kiss is still a kill even without the tongue, right?_

_PPS: Not that it was!_

_PPPS: Because IT WASN'T!_

**_-o-o-o-_**

_January the 2nd, _

_We spend the New Year together._

_They all looked more cheerful than they have been in months, Otae is smiling as always._

_Platonic love is painfully beautiful._

**_-o-o-o-_**

_Dear Papi,_

_We parked in a beautiful galaxy and you won't believe it… there's a moon just like on earth but bigger and shinier, we almost have to wear sunglasses to watch it. Madao lent me his last time and we watched and watched for hours…_

_We got drunk yesterday, with Madao, telling great stories about Kabukicho, but the rest of the crew wasn't that much happy about it. Mu-chan and Sadist kept glaring at us but I couldn't care less. I got wasted like a true Yorozuya, Gin-chan would be so proud!_

_He didn't kiss me because he said I had puked everywhere (which was true, but not a valid reason)…and that normally I taste like a trash bin anyway. I punched him. But he still helped me to get on the deck and we watched the moon together. I wanted to talk about the time Gin-chan got so drunk we framed him for having bedded half of Kabukicho women, or just Anego and Cie even Otose-san… and when Shinpachi beat Obi Nii-chan fair and square…because Anego had said "Ippon" and all, no way she would let a Megane cheat…and Sadaharu…but I think I fell asleep._

_Neh…that hangover is painful. I don't know if Sadist slept at all. He was still glaring at me when I woke up, "You're the worst Captain in the universe…and you snore" he said…pff…as if, I never asked him to be my pillow! __Stupid brat._

**_-o-o-o-_**

_June the 12th,_

_Kagura-san is coming back next week and Kondo too._

_It has been a year already… looks like old times again._

**_-o-o-o-_**

_Gintoki knows I don't like flowers. He stole one of my kunai and engraved an inscription on it._

_'Midnight moon and naked women have the same beauty - The naked moon IS beauty'_

_I should kill him._

_…_

_It's my favorite kunai._

**_-o-o-o-_**

_Baldi,_

_I miss you…_

_Say hello to Mami_

_I'm going home_


	8. Gasoline is gasoline, or not

**Chapter 7: Gasoline is gasoline...or not**

* * *

He ran as fast as he could.

_Where are they?_

Shinpachi finally saw the man he was looking for and ran again, "Hijikata-san!"

**_-o-o-o-_**

His Katsudon was gone, ruined. He wiped a remaining droplet of sauce that had landed on his cheek.

"Dannaaa…"He knew the restaurant was too crowded for spilling blood everywhere, which meant he had another day to live. Thus he ordered another Katsudon…and a parfait.

"Okita-kun" Bad, bad, when the Yorozuya said his name correctly, usually it m- "You're only alive because Kagura promised to twist my tama if something happens to you…she threatened my tama, my precious, precious and _useful_ silver tama!"

"_Useful ? _Ooh…I heard about that…congratulations"

The evil Sakata smile appeared on his face, "Let's stay focused, will ya?"

They glared at each other and Okita launched his first bullet, "She's eighteen"

And then started a long, long, long back and forth between the 'daddy' and the 'boyfriend'. Okita knew that the perm head was resilient and nasty, but that afternoon he transcended all his expectations and more.

Three hours later.

"Danna, why you don't ask something useful?"

"Like what? We didn't even get to the point where I drown you in a mayonnaise bath and cut your **** off to send them in the-land-where-you-freeze-your-b-"

But Okita cut him short, "Like how she still sends letters to a dead bald man and how she 'inadvertently' stalks her amputee niichan"

The silver-haired samurai tensed slightly, "Took you long enough to spill your bean"

"If that's what you wanted to know from the start you could've ask"

"I like to toy with my food before eating"

Okita crossed his arms on his chest and leaned further into his chair "So?"

"So nothing…yet" That's when Gintoki saw two persons staring at them through the window, eyes red and wet. When Okita turned his head and saw Otae and kyuubei his heart suddenly stopped beating.

**_-o-o-o-_**

**_Two hours before_**

"Gasoline is gasoline, Obi Nii-san wouldn't mind"

"Megane why you're always complaining, gasoline is gasoline"

"IT'S WHITE SPIRIT"

They all stood before the grave of the Shimura family and Kondo-san felt the need to add salt to the wound, "Shinpachi-kun, cemeteries aren't suited for loud voices"

"Gasoline and white spirit are petroleum substances. Tae-chan you should say gasoline is petroleum and white spirit is petroleum, thus gasoline is white spirit"

"See Megane, why you're still complaining, gasoline is white spirit"

"WHAT KIND OF REASONING IS THAT? WHITE SPIRIT IS CHEAPER THAT'S THE ONLY REASON!"

"Times are harsh, Shin-chan…maybe Kondo-san could pay real gasoline"

"I'm broke"

"You're President-aru…you got money"

"The Republic is broke"

"Pff…outlaw tax robbers still bleed the samurai country-aru"

"China-san, I thought we were on good terms…you know family?"

A dark aura fell upon them as the Shimura siblings clenched their hands into fists. Kyuubei whispered next to him, "Kondo…you still don't get it!"

He froze. "Ah haha…no…no family thing…thing. I promise I won't mention it again" He pleaded "Sougo is nothing to me…he's a cold-hearted evil brat" He dropped on his knees "He's not my real son..." The glares deepened, "He's the bastard son of Toshi and Mayorin..." Cracking fingers, "Illegitimate...Toshi cheated on me...THAT BLOODSUCKER DEMON!"

A silence of death, wind passing through the spring leaves and four pairs of eyes shooting him daggers.

"Kondo-san, have you no shame…what a sad example a high ranked man like you is setting!"

"Kondo-san, I'm disappointed…what kind of samurai would give up on his aniki"

"Shame…shameful Gorilla. You'll make Sadist cry"

"But wait…wait…I told you what you wanted to hear" The Shimura siblings and Kagura turned on theirs heels and left. "Otae-san…please, Otae-san"

"Kondo…you really still don't get it?"

"NO…I DON'T, TELL ME"

"They can't touch Okita-kun, so…you're…"

"…the punching ball?"

"Yes. Now repeat: gasoline is white sp-"

"KONDO ISAO?"

They both turned to face the intruders and soon Kyuubei whole body tensed. "Yes." She looked over, he was calm and composed, staring right at the now dozen of men surrounding them. She heard familiar voices shouting 'Gorilla' and 'Kondo-san' in the distance and then...

"You're under arrest...follow us or die"

**_-o-o-o-_**

"Mama...Mama...they arrested the Shinsengumi dog!"

"Wh...WHAT?...WHO?"

"The special force"

"Which one...Kondo? Hijikata?"

"Kondo"

Saigo stood up, "Special my ***! Former Kiheitai, most of them...bloodthirsty bastards"

He stormed off past his secretary...heading directly to the office opposite to his, "KATSURA!"


	9. Family and duty

_**Gintama= Sorachi**_

_**Thank you for the reviews, it's much appreciated!**_

* * *

**Chapter 8: Family and duty**

* * *

_"Hijikata-san, you can't even give one good reason…drop it, no drop dead"_

_"You've been framed"_

_"What?" __He exhaled smoke, still driving aimlessly…he would drive until the kid would bend, "You've been framed for assassination…if you come with us, they'll chase after Kondo-san even more and kill him for sure"_

_"Why?"_

_"Because the guy you're supposed to have cut is Sakamoto…as in 'Sakamato Tatsuma' "_

_Okita stayed silent a while, Hijikata checked a few time to make sure he was still conscious, he had been badly injured after all. __At dawn the young man spoke again, "You can stop the bullying now…I want to see Gorilla"_

_Hijikata felt relieved, he was getting too old for this, "One more thing...starting now, you're officially dead"_

**_oooo_**

"And where were you bastard?"

"Oi, oi...no time for this...you outlaw tax robbers need to focus now"

Okita loosened his grip on Hijikata's collar but was still glaring, ready to the worse. The other held the glare, unflinching, "You're done?" Apparently not and Gintoki shoved the kid away. The oni no Fukuchou was paler than usual and it wasn't because of the sadist empty threat, as both looked like if Jump had been cancelled. Hijikata searched for a paper in his sleeve.

"What's that?"

"Nobume's confession"

Gintoki's chest tightened, "You saw her?"

"No...intermediary. That's what I've been doing...because Kondo ordered me too...and as soon as I left I suppose he..." Hijikata turned to face the distressed Otae.

"He tell us you were at the movie...watching 'My neighbor Pedoro', your favorite, he s-"

"Oi...don't blame yourself...stupid gorillas have empty heads anyway" he lighted a smoke and gave her the confession, "You take care of that"

"It's useless, they still want to execute me"

Now it was Hijikata to grab Okita's collar, "Stupid Gorilla's been searching for this for months and you want to flush it in the toilets...be my guest..." The kid looked startled and he relieved him, "Now get your ass in gear, Taichou"

"Hijikata-san...I need a bazooka"

**_oooo_**

_"Mah...that's the worst idea ever...freezing one's ball off"_

_"It's the old geezer idea...and Gorilla's following as usual"_

_"Maybe you should tell that bananas addict that even Shogun-sama resigned...for good"_

_"Tch! Matsudaira hasn't and Kondo loyalty is bordering pathological"_

_Gintoki laughed, irony in full display, "Aren't you the same, baka?" Hijikata drank again, "Shut up...what about you 'Shiroyasha'...looking like you don't give a damn, Bakufu is on its knee and you share your sake with a dog"_

_"As you say...I don't give a damn"_

_"How's China girl?"_

_Gintoki took the bottle directly, not bothering anymore using a glass, "You're such a downer Mayora" _

_****__oooo_

"OIIIIII! ZURAAAA...COME TO FACE THE INVINCIBLE ALIEN HUNTER-ARU!"

"Wh..who's that?"

"Ooh noo! she's an amanto!"

"Why is she picking her nose?"

"ZURAAA! D'YOU HERE ME? BAKATSURA?! I'LL COUNT UNTIL 10...AND...ICHIII..."

"Hey! don't joke...look at her umbrella"

"NIII!"

"Argh...umbrella, alien hunter...Umibouzu's daughter..."

"SAAAN!

"We're dead...KIDO-SAMA! MAMA!"

"SHIII!"

Zura would fix that...there was no other way. How much did he owe Yorozuya anyway. Pff! Baka Zura...A stupid Gorilla isn't worth all that trouble! "GOOO!"

Because stupid gorillas are like lazy Gin-chan or bald Papi...

"ROKUUU!"

They should live long and old until their teeth drop, until their thing is too flabby to watch porn and until debts are paid...

"NANAAA!"

Like hell Gorilla's gonna stay locked in here or...or..._No way_. Family is family!

"HACH-" A window finally opened on the third floor and she grinned evilly, the baka samurai wasn't at all pleased to see her.

"Leader...Bakatsura ja nai, Katsura da!"

_**oooo**_

_She was undressing. _

_The awful Umibouzu coat already on the floor, she struggled with the buttons because of the gloves and figured out it must've been the reason. When the top laid on the ground he finally…_

_"What are you doing?"_ _She blushed, timidly continuing and not even looking, "I want to try that thing…"_

_She was undressing and almost…_

_"Leave-" She glanced up and blushed even more. "-you're disturbing my nap."_ _Of course veins started to pop and fists clenched. _

_"I'm offering you my precious flower and you care about your nap!" _

_"Precious flower? What kind of language is that? Sounds worse than the actual swearing coming from that mouth… drop the soap reference China, we're in space… and dress up will you, if you ever catch a cold you'll blame me… and flu is contagious."_

S_he stared in disbelief, "That's all you have to say?"_ _He couldn't hold her gaze and fixated on something on the wall, something he knew would help him. _

_"OI! YOU BASTARD POOP HEAD!" _

_She felt humiliated, more than she ever was and tears were menacing to give up her sorry state, she looked to see what was having all his attention. _

_Shinsengumi regulations. _

_She grabbed her clothes ready to slam the door open, crying. __"Oi-" __Maybe just killing him was the only solution, or throwing him into space, Mu-chan would like that too... "-where are going half-naked like that…you're gonna traumatize the crew if yo-" She punched him._

_That would be a nice shiner no doubt and it almost lifted her mood, but instead of storming out she kissed the evil brat. Why wouldn't she? And he did nothing to stop anyway. Stupid, stupid sadist._ _Only when she stopped to breath and undress again she saw his confused look and it pissed her off. She angrily threw her bra at his face...now the boots...pff! what a bother. She was the virgin here and all, that's what Anego told her…innocent girl like her should be treated with delicacy-something… right? Why would h-_

_"I'm doomed" She looked up. Stupid-evil-smiling-handsome-outlaw tax-robber-sadist. "You doomed me."_

_Papi... I'm in love._

**_oooo_**

"Oi...Yamazaki, what you're doing here?"

"Bringing munitions and weapons...those I hid when...when...well..."

"Who told you to come?"

"Shinpachi-k-" Hijikata shot the dojo master a glare. "Hijikata-san, if you think we're staying out of this you're delusional...if I may dare"

"Tch..." He looked back to the blueprint of the prison, trying to memorize everything he could. "And anyway...you should watch what's on the news"

When they arrived Okita and the Yorozuya were already glued on the small TV in the Shimura living room.

"Mah...mah...that's trouble!"

"I think she turns me on"

**BAM!**

"Oi Okita-kun, after the truce I'll emasculate you, get it!"

"Dannaa!"

Hijikata approached, his blood pressure rising at the sight of the two sadistic slackers, "OI! No time to drool over weathers girls, move al-" He stopped, speechless.

"See Hijikata-saan, I think China went into negotiation!"


	10. Turning Point(s)

**Chapter 9: Turning Point(s)**

* * *

"YOU CAN'T... IT'S AGAINST OUR LAW! NOW MOVE AND LET US IN" He drew quickly "_We_ are the leaders of this country! This is my last warning"

"And you are nothing without us... half of your army, government and support"

"Katsura wait!" Saigo's strong grip landed on his shoulder.

He composed his voice, "He will have a trial... we all agree with that fact. But don't start something stupid that could backfire in more ways than you know"

"Let us in" Saigo let his grip and approached slowly, "Only one year in power and you look like you want an open war between us already... that makes us as low as the Bakufu"

But the men standing in front of them were inflexible, dying now or another day they didn't care, "He has been sentenced to death... fifteen minutes ago"

Katsura dashed forward, pushing everyone and made his way to the cell. Some resistance but not much.

"Let him in!" Saigo turned to face Henpeita, fists tightened, "This is the biggest mistakes you've ever done"

"Saigo-sama... ruling _is_ making decisions. That man has chosen his fate long time ago and he's ready to-"

A punch silenced him.

**_o-o-o_**

_"Why I'm doin' this?"_

_"Because you're the Mooonnn..."_

_"Shaddup! You don't make any sense"_

_"The mooonnn is the suuun of osb...obscure beings..." He smiled like the drunken idiot he was, "...like meee..."_

_She dropped him in the middle of the corridor, he was too heavy anyway and the room wasn't far, "That's it... you can crawl there alone, I'm off!"_

_"Oi, oi, oi...Tayuuuko"_

_"HOW D'YOU JUST CALL ME BASTARD?!" A punch and a kick "Ouch ouch ouch! Joking... NOOO! Not Gin-san precious tama... STOP!"_

_"Why d'you come here just to get wasted? It's been three months already!" He came in Yoshiwara again and also when Sacchan wasn't there... again. She knew the reason of his state but not the whole story, he still wouldn't tell her._

_"Hasegawa's off in space, Shinpachi's off in his dojo, tax robbers're off freezing their balls off and... Mah... it's fun heeere"_

_Tsukuyo sighed and turned to leave._

_"D'you want to hear a tale?" He was looking at the ceiling and brought his hands behind his neck, she paused and finally sat not too far from him, lighting her kiseru._

_"You're such a pain in the ass"_

_He smiled lightly, still lost in his thoughts. After a while he spoke again, "__Once upon a time in a dirty Edo district, far away from decent citizens, lived a young, strong, handsome man with silver hai-"_

_"Oi… don'tcha get carried away, will ya!"_

_"-silver hair… that children and bakas mistook for belonging to an old man. The silver man and his Megane worked together in a nice little flat although the rent was way, way too expensive for that dump-"_

_"Get to the point, I don't have all night"_

_"Patience, violent woman… Every day, the silver man went to the Pachinko mountain for a living with his strawberry milk in hand, which is why the people of Kabukicho called him the handsome drinker-"_

_"That's not what they call you!"_

_"Mah… stop interrupting Gin-san oh so awesome Tale Of The Strawberry Milk Drinker-"_

_"Ya mean the very awful parody of the Tale Of The Bamboo Cutter?"_

_"Tsh… tsh… It's Kaguya Hime… And one day that bottomless stomach crashed against the silver man scooter, then hell broke loose because she was very much a yakuza at that point and the silver man and his Megane got stuck with her and a monster white dog… for a long time… much longer than the silver man ever thought it would. Of course she had a family, much like the Megane… you know that kind… violent people and all." She threw him a dark glare. "Anyyyway… Baldi and Psycho were off in space doin' violent thing while the incredibly generous Silver Soul HAD to FEED her… EVERY FUCKING DAY… and that giant dog too…"_

_He waited once more and after resuming his 'tale' Tsukuyo stayed silent for the rest of night._

_"...You know that bastard Takasugi once told her about the Moon Princess... but in the end... Ah, never mind him... So 'Kaguya' and Psycho fought to the death after Psycho almost killed the silver man, or so they thought, because when ready to strike theirs final blows Baldi intervened and instead of killing each other they killed him. 'Kaguya' was so shocked she didn't see Psycho aiming for her. That's when a total sadist tax robber shopped his arm off, but that wasn't enough and Psycho threw the sadist in the sky and the lucky bastard landed on Sakamoto ship... AH! That's irony for you! Psycho still wanted to kill his sister but then the silver man finally stood up and trans-pierced his bokken through the Yato chest, just near the heart. "I win... never come back here..." And Kamui left. And Gin-san thought it was time for the Moon Princess to see her father's space... And now it's time I follow you in hell or under the sheets... your choice..."_

**__****_o-o-o_**

They walked and walked... and _walked_ in the long corridor. Going nowhere, passing big grey doors... the building looked empty except for the two of them.

"Zura-aru!"

"Be patient Leader... we're almost here"

And they were. He opened another occidental wooden door, paint in grey.

And she wished he hadn't.

She stayed on the doorway, not blinking, hardly breathing.

"I was his Kaishakunin..." His eyes were empty, "...He asked me"

* * *

_Kaishakunin: appointed second in a seppuku, the one who behead._


	11. Killing

_**-Thanks Truffle, now 'Drama' until the end... or maybe not**_

* * *

**Chapter 10: Killing**

* * *

When Kido-sama entered the room full of his potential new enemies, his old one had already been beaten up severely. Kondo Isao and his former police force had spent an incredible among of time chasing after him, without success, and now both were here.

Defeated.

Against his own police Katsura was unable to change the course of history, if he did all he worked for so long, the end of the bakufu, would turn to ashes.

Because the former Kiheitai men were ruthless and effectively ready to start a civil war if necessary. Saigo had tried, without result, to convince them that killing this man would make him a martyr rather than a traitor rightfully condemned... and who cared about a harmless, penniless Republic where you freeze your balls off anyway?

It was revenge... and they wanted to add humiliation into it. Katsura thought quickly, for once, allowing Kondo to die as a samurai was a necessity in that disaster.

"Can you do it?"

"Me?... Why?"

"Haha... you're the only person here that I know... and you look like the one who's gonna cut his belly..."

"Is it really time for joking?"

The Shinsengumi Commander's eyes were fierce and proud, his smile never fading, "More than ever"

Katsura brought him papers and pen, his last wish, some people will need goodbye words even if he was awful at that. "Argh... Toshi is the thinking man and Sougo the one with the witty remarks..." Katsura had a lump in his throat while watching him struggling with his letter.

This was not what he had sign for and yet he would do it because that man and his spoken words were now as important as the ones his sensei taught him.

"Don't throw this country in another war"

Saigo, Elisabeth and him will not... but Kondo's death won't go unpunished...

**_o-o-o_**

_"Just kill me... If you don't I'll destroy everyone here... Be what you're supposed to be..."_

**_o-o-o_**

Kamui's words resonated relentlessly in her head as she clutched the paper in her hand, with no precise direction in mind she walked in the streets of Edo. Her world had been turned upside down one more time... But her state was her last concern and she had to tell them... _him..._ before the day was over...

* * *

"OI! STOP RIGHT HERE!"

"What's up Megane?"

"DID... D... DID YOU... DID YOU JUST DO WHAT I THINK YOU DID!?"

"I did"

"BUT...WHYYYYY!? This is GINTAMA not GINDRAMA!"

"It's history"

"NO, YOU'RE WICKED THAT'S ALL!And Gintama is not history... NOT ONE BIT! Gin-san, say something"

"I like it"

"WHAT?"

"See Shinpachi history is hist-"

**BAM!**

"Hey Patsuan, that was my Lake Toya you throw at _my_ head..."

"I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS! And YOU... you like it only because less characters is good for your ego... selfish neet bastard!"

"Of course... I'm the hero"

**BAM!**

Shin-chan: "And why is it I'm the only one single here anyway?"

Author: Oh! So that's your concern... your love life? How selfish of you number 8 bastard?"

**KABOUM!**

"Oi... Get outta here... next chapter is ours!"

"Hijikata-saan... who ever told you that your filthy hands could use _my_ bazooka?"

Zaki: "Uh... it's mine actually... remember I provided the weapons in chapt-"

"Who cares"

Shin-chan: "STOP... stop, stop... let's rewind... from the start"

"Can't do, gotta keep going and you have _something_ to do Shinpachi..."

"What? Endure your shitty writing for three more chapters?"

"Err... ouch! but besides that... making _some_ people kneel and ask forgiveness"

"Well... maybe I can do that"

"I knew you would"

* * *

**Flash-forward a year after the previous events**

* * *

_Dear Papi,_

_We're travelling again. This galaxy is pink... and Gin-chan is throwing fits every so often because we're short on strawberry milk. I think Mu-chan is planning to drop him in the next black hole and Megane hopes Tsukki has dumped him and found a nice guy on earth._

_Yorozuya in space... for a year..._

_I don't mind the whining (I do it too) and it's great overall, we kick some serious alien ass-aru Baldi... and baka-nii, he's... but that's for the next one... I have to go before Madao and that lazy bum drink all the sake..._

_Say hello to everyone, _

_Kagura_


	12. Lost in an Ocean of Memories

_**The timeline has changed: the present is the past, the future is the present... Flashbacks are in italic**_

* * *

**Chapter 11: Lost in an Ocean of Memories**

* * *

_The knocking had been incessant for he past ten minutes and everybody was getting nervous. Orders were to keep low profile and not answer, __in few hours__ the Shinsengumi dog execution was about to be revealed to the press, but out of irritation one man peeked outside from a tiny hole of the massive entrance door. And what he saw wasn't expected at all._

_The lilac-haired spoke first with a sultry voice and a wink, "We're the entertainment darlin' "_

_The blond one exhaled smoke languorously in his direction, "How long you're gonna keep us waitin'... two ladies in the dark, alone"_

_"Who... who are you?"_

_They smiled, "A surprise from your leader..."_

_"The reward for good work"_

_"OI, STEP BACK... WHO'S HERE?"_

_"Uh...err... it's-"_

_"Yoshiwara's finest flowers... Sa-chan the 'M' master and..."_

_"The Moon Tayuko..."_

_"ARE YOU FOR REAL?"_

_"YOSHIWARA COURTESANS... FOR US?_

_**KABOOOOOMMMM!**_

_"...Yeah... for all of you... a night to remember... Sougo... blow everything up"_

_"YOU.. you're..."_

_"Shinsengumi Fukuchou, Hijikata Toshiro... off my way..."_

**_o-o-o_**

"How far has that psycho gone?... Can't he do business near the Milky Way?"

"Well he is the space's 'Dragon Head', the 'Kumicho', the 'Capo di tutti capi', the-

"Megane... I got it... he's more powerful than ever"

"Yep!"

"We're deep in the shit, right?"

"Oh hell yes!"

"Mah... such bothersome people these violent... people..."

**_o-o-o_**

_They all pretended not to hear Yamazaki weeping like a little boy, not to see Okita gagging in a corner of the courtyard, almost collapsing, and not to witness the Oni no Fukuchou hands trembling, unable to wrap the head in its shroud. As a matter of fact Gintoki was the only one capable._

_Because he had done it before._

_And when he did, he was also the only one to notice someone staring through a second floor window. Someone who hadn't do anything to stop them, someone who watched them cut every men guarding the corpse. And Katsura was staring back, thinking of that other head they had wrapped together. _

_And for a split second he missed Takasugi._

_****__o-o-o_

"Tsukuyo-chan why are you still complaining? Bananas are bananas"

"Otae, that ain't bananas!"

"Tsukki... all cranky lately... oh that's true you stopped smoking... Withdrawal is ugly, ugly indeed"

"Shaddup! Don'tcha have someone to kill or stalk"

"I CAME HERE TO PAY MY RESPECTS, BITCH!"

"YOUR RESPECTS? LEATHER WHIP AND STILETTO... IN A CEMETERY?!"

"KONDO AND I SHARED A BOUND... THE STALKER BOUND... HE'D LIKE IT!"

"YOU'RE THE BIGGEST NUTCASE IN ALL OVER EDO"

"Tae-chan, people are watching us already"

"AND YOU A STUCK UP ADDICT!"

Otae sighed, busy polishing the stone with white spirit, "Now, now, girls be more quiet... See Kondo-san... women fighting over your reputation"

"COME AGAIN... SOLD OUT NINJA FREAK!"

"I brought macadamia nuts"

"Oh! That's lovely Kyuu-chan... but maybe... you know?"

"THAT'S RICH COMIN' FROM A PIMP!"

"You're right, Kondo wouldn't mind if we eat them... here"

"I'M GONNA STRANGLE YOU"

"Ah! What a beautiful sunny day... isn't it? I'm so glad he isn't buried in that snowy place... Hijikata-san was very thoughtful..."

"Yes... he was"

"MWAHAHA... GO AHEAD... I'M A ' _M _'... REMEMBER!"

"I think there still enough white spirit for Obi Nii-san, but let's stay here for a while"

**_o-o-o_**

_"So... that's it?"_

_"See you in a year..."_

_Standing at a safe distance, they stared endlessly at each other souls, because hugging or kissing would only make it worse. But it was still cruel, not touching the one you loved... what if..._

_"You're the worst captain ever"_

_"And you're a bastard shithead"_

_"foul-mouthed bitch"_

_"Sadist outlaw tax robber"_

_He smiled, she and Danna never bothered to feel stupid about that stupid insult. But she didn't smile and her eyes were starting to glow, she even tried to raise her hand._

_"Oi... what's up with that ugly piggy face!"_

_He waited for a scowl and some vein popping but she smiled too. And that was perhaps more devastating than the tears..._

_"You better not freeze your balls over there or I'll twist them until you bleed"_

_"Danna's already gonna emasculate me anyway" He shrugged... trying to ignore that dull, awful pain in his chest and realizing he hadn't been completely destroyed by the previous one. He needed to leave now._

_"Sayonara, China girl..." And he turned around, not looking back. Determination exuding from all over his body._

_When he reached the deck, Hijikata was still staring at the ocean, the deep blue ocean as beautiful as her eyes. Hijikata had aged significantly since yesterday, perhaps him too, although he didn't care about that._

_"You have five minutes to jump off that ship and go back to your girl" _

_This was comforting, in a way, at least Hijikata wasn't a dead man walking yet, he'd try until the end. __"You should be happy, Commander" That got his attention and a genuinely surprised look, "I finally got your job... without killing you"_

_But before Hijikata could say anything Yamazaki called him, "Commander... we're ready"_

_He hesitated few seconds, then, after one last look at the city, he headed to the quarterdeck, "Sougo, let's go... Matsudaira is waiting us..."_


	13. Repeating the same mistake

**Chapter 12: Repeating the same mistake... one last time**

* * *

_"We'll launch this attack, wherever you like it or not! They killed Henpeita"_

_"Do I look like I care?"_

_"What?"_

_Saigo lifted his head, his glare was impressive, no doubt about that, "Even if I agree, which I don't, I would side with Kido and Elisabeth... we can't stop you but that's YOUR doing, pay the consequences"_

_"You'll be sorry"_

_"Really? An attack against Ezo... no wait, a 'revenge' mission... how popular is that? People don't want war anymore, it's time to move on"_

_"Many still despise them and YOU initiated their chase and all that propaganda"_

_"I only meant to jail them and put an end to that silly republic, not to KILL them... do you know why Matsudaira didn't surrender even when the Shogun did?... Because of guys like you! We don't share the same political ideas but our aim is the same... keep that country safe of extremists like your late, precious Takasugi!"_

_"Bastard!... no matter, there's enough of us Kiheitai to do what has to be done"_

_"Yeah... don't forget your scarf... I heard it's cold there"_

**_o-o-o_**

"I'm home!... is anybody here?... It's me, Sagaru... Tama? Otose-san"

The old hag emerged from the storeroom followed by her habitual smoky fog, "Oi, don't shout like that, you'll scare our clients"

"Nobody's here"

"So what! And this is how you greet your elders... tch! the youth of this country is hopeless"

He beamed, "I'm happy to see you too"

"Tch... shoo... go meet your wife, she's at the market"

"Yes!" He bowed respectfully, "Thank you for your support and-"

"Don't leave her again without letters for months or I'll roast you in your own oven"

"Err... yes... yes I promise"

"Now get out of my sight!"

**_o-o-o_**

_"Toshiii... you're a pain in the ass"_

_"You asked my advise"_

_"I'm the God of Destruction, I don't need advises... don't make me repeat myself"_

_"But... you asked!"_

_"Hijikata-saan, I agree with the God of Destruction... let's burn them to the ground!"_

_"WITH WHAT?! ZAKI'S BAZOOKA? We're outnumbered, MASSIVELY!"_

_Matsudaira pointed his gun on Hijikata's forehead, "Toshiii... Kondo was like a son, you were like his brother... don't make me commit filicide"_

_"Tch! You'll do just that with this reckless plan... kill your daughter... We need a strategy"_

_The gun shook slightly, "I'm listening"_

_**o-o-o**_

"See this is how it's done! Listen... OI YOU PIECE OF SHIT, COME TO FACE THE FEARLESS ALIEN HUNTER-ARU"

"Gin-san..."

"Let her, she's having fun"

"D'YA HEAR ME GODZILLA WANNABEE?!... WANT TO DANCE THE MAMBO-ARU?..."

"And what are YOU doing?"

"Mah... I'm hungry"

"I want to go home... you two just pissed me off!"

"Megane..."

"What now?"

"Mutsu told me this morning... he's here... the whole Harusame ship is here"

"So... so that's it..."

"Hmm... Oi, what's up with the face... come on, let's have some fun with Bakazilla!"

_****__o-o-o_

_"Where are you going?"_

_"You were there during the conference... you know where"_

_"It doesn't have to be you"_

_"Really? Who should I ask then?"_

_Okita didn't answer but followed him nevertheless, "That was your plan from the start, right?"_

_"Congratulations... you passed the test, all grown up to be a leader now"_

_"STOP THAT!"_

_And Hijikata did, tired but determined, hesitant but fearless... strange combinations. _

_"It's us they want... only us" __Hijikata nodded. "Fine then... let's make this plan work and the people of Ezo safe..."_

_"Are you ready for this?"_

_"No... you?"_

_"No..."_

* * *

_**I know the title is obscure so here's the meaning: it refers to the war**_

_**Next chapter is the epilogue!**_

_**Thanks again Truffle for your comments... **_


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